The 69th (best number ever) annual Golden Globes happened last night and was filled with fun, fireworks and F bombs just like I’d hoped!
I actually pre-wrote that opening statement before the show occurred. None like that happened. None of it. My mascara streaks depict my feelings on the subject.
Ricky Gervais. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!??!! Were you drugged? Not drugged enough? Not enough booze? Blinded by the pulled back faces? What gives? You’re now my fallen hero. Everyone tuned in to see you rip the celebs who showed up to shreds. They knew it. They came prepared. We all wanted it. We didn’t get it. It’s like Santa just skipped over my house and the rest of the world’s this year. You could have hired Kristen Stewart to do the show and just stand there and mumble for 3 hours. That may have been more entertaining. “And now ummmmm yeah ummmmm geee huh. There’s a presenter? Oh right, hehe, yeah ummmm it’s a girl…I think. Ummm, yeah, over there, standing. Ummmm geee ha. Ummm where’d Jacob go? Yeah.”
See, didn’t that send exhilarating sensations of excitement through your veins too?
Let’s focus on the pretty, shall we? The ladies who got it RIGHT. No one dressed in anything over the top or beyond spectacular. It’s true. No one has done that for a few years now. The chicks that hit the nail right on the head? The chicks that dressed to seduce. Not skanky seduce that leaves nothing to the imagination. No, you could walk over a few blocks to Hollywood Blvd and find that kind of seduction. I’m talking about class seduction. The sexy that makes you think, “I’d really like to see what’s under that and f**k the shit out of it.” I’m talking both guys and girls. That’s talent. I would only hope that there were a few erections hidden by napkins last night.
Sofia Vergara and Reese Witherspoon. F**king f**k worthy. I would actually contemplate asking my genie to make me their husband for one night while they were wearing those dresses. Contemplate only. I’d actually be saving my wishes for the dudes that got it right in the next post.
I’d just like to send out a shout out to the people that got it right last night joke wise. Thank you Seth Rogen for making that erection joke. Not nearly enough phallus jokes were made. Thank you Meryl Streep for dropping the F bomb during your acceptance speech. It was the most heart-wrenching one of all. Thank you George Clooney for referring to your fellow nominees’ penis as a golf club. Thank you for that visual. Why didn’t you host the show? Oh, right, because you were too preoccupied thinking about Brad Pitt‘s golf club.