Why do we poor schmucks want to buy things we see in advertisements? Well, besides actually requiring some as necessities to live a somewhat comfortable and functional life, we buy things for no good reason at all. Never mind food, water, tampons, toothpaste and heat. We don’t have to have those things. We really have to have perfume and anti-aging creams though. So do. Why? Because celebrities who look photo-shopped (and totally are) and provoke our instinctive drive to copulate motivate us to want the products they make us think we want. This is the marvelous and seductive world of advertisements.
If it weren’t for a few of them I may actually have a somewhat normal body image. That’s a whole other post though. For now we shall focus on the positive. We shall focus on the pure yet simple urge to claw at some of these ads. Why? Because they are that damn sexy. Some of them make you wet just staring at them. Magazine ads are like porn for chicks. They’re filled with hotter than f*ck guys we’ll never get and are followed with pages of the sexiest shoes on the planet. I totally just came.
Let’s celebrate 2011 with the 5 BEST male celebrity endorsements the designers we can’t afford decided to allow to grace the pages of the magazines we splurge on at the check-out counter. It was so hard to narrow it down, but I did it. It took so many hours and pairs of panties, but I managed to get the job done.
#5 – - Tom Brady for Ugg Australia
I don’t own a pair and chase down girls in Wal-Mart parking lots who do with large sticks. They don’t look good with anything and ruin any outfit they’re paired with. For some reason they make college girls look even more slutty, even though they take up more space than physics should allow. They are the most comfortable shoes made, which is why they’re still around. They’re getting better with their designs but are probably a few seasons off from me actually letting my eyeballs focus on them for more than a millisecond. Who could possibly be the best spokesperson for the ugliest, yet most comfortable shoe on the planet? Tom Brady! The man who dumped his baby momma in the dust and ran for the hills where a luscious supermodel lay waiting. Can he play football? I hear he’s good but I have absolutely no knowledge of the game. What do I know? He looks good in these ads.
#4 – Justin Timberlake for Givenchy
I don’t care who he models for, he should just do it more often. He should also be the one who is engaged to Britney Spears, but we can’t live in a perfect world. Justin Timberlake is sex. More companies should take note and hire him to endorse more products. I’d buy denture adhesive and WD-40 if he made it look good. I don’t have anything that needs to be oiled (or do I hehe) but I’m sure it would look great under my sink.
#3 – Chris Evans for Gucci
Holy f*ck this man is gorgeous! I never really ever noticed before! I kinda did when I saw his bare ass in “What’s your number?” Then the thought escaped me. He looked kinda weird for half of “Captain America” as well, so again it didn’t hit me that hard. Chris Evans needs more attention! Well, he’s got mine. I feel like I’m actually the one f*cking him in this ad and not Evan Rachel Wood. That’s a good advertisement ladies and gentlemen. An ad that makes you feel like you’re in the ad yourself. An ad that fools your mind so completely that the subject becomes real to you. Who needs drugs when you have Chris Evans working for Gucci. Praise Jesus.
#2 – - James Franco for Gucci
I don’t think that James Franco is human. He just can’t be. No one can be that talented, do as many jobs as he does, go to school, teach classes, manscape and continue to sleep at night. He doesn’t. He can’t. It’s impossible. On top of all the crap he does, he continues to shine like the twinkling star he is through seas of ugly people that just don’t compare. I bet when he’s out in public a yellow beaming light follows him wherever he goes. It would be kinda awesome if you were walking on the same street as James and it wasn’t well lit. He’d light the way all the way home! How sweet of you, James! Could I love you more? Well, yes, but that would probably result in a restraining order. Some things in this world just make me roll my eyes.
#1 — Ryan Reynolds for Hugo Boss AND Marks and Spencer
That’s right, these companies caught on to the BLATANTLY OBVIOUS! Anything with Ryan’s face on it is an automatic best seller (besides Green Lantern, sorry!). It’s a life goal of mine to high five his parents for having sex that time. I know, I shouldn’t aim so high in life. He’s Canadian, he’s tall, he’s divorced. What more could you want? Where are the people that cloned Dolly the sheep? What the hell are you doing with your life? Why aren’t you working on this instead? Clone Ryan, damn it! Rich women all over the world would fork over billions for that kind of necessary research. Imagine the peace and harmony that could be brought to the world if every woman had their own Ryan. They wouldn’t fight with their husbands anymore leading to more harmonious relationships. This would then spill over to more harmonious attitudes towards other due to their pure state of bliss. This could bring an end to all wars and global disputes. Ryan Reynolds = World Peace, people! Spread the word and your legs!