The climax inducer of all award shows announced their nominees this morning. You know I’m talking about the Oscars. The golden, naked, chiseled statue is the dust collector every person associated with the film industry has wet dreams about from the time they begin to be able to have functioning wet dreams. If you read this blog then you know that I like to put my own spin on things that bore me. This will be one of those times, my friends. The Oscars bore me more than a nun at a Chippendale’s show. They don’t know what to do with themselves and sit and stare until the sinful display of aphrodisia is over. I won’t go into too much detail but you’ll get the gist.
Here are a list of this year’s nominees though if you even care to read it.
Best Picture of the Year:
The Artist – - side note: try jerking off to a silent movie. Kills the mood!
The Descendants
Moneyballs
The Help
The Tree of Life
Hugo
War Horse
Midnight in Paris Hilton
Extremely loud and incredibly close
….is it just me or are some of these movies super fantastic porno titles? It’s about time they were recognized by the academy.
Best Actress:
Glenn Close – Albert Knobs
Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady – - bout time she was recognized, hmm?
Viola Davis – The Help
Rooney Mara – The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Michelle Williams – My Week with Marilyn
I think Michelle is totally going to take it and then make us all ball during her acceptance speech by telling us that she keeps her hair short because Heath Ledger used to love it like that.
Best Actor:
George Clooney – The Descendants
Brad Pitt – Moneyball (if Brad or George win they will definitely thank each other for their long-lasting membership to their circle jerk and make out with each other)
Gary Oldman – something that wasn’t Red Riding Hood
That french dude from the Artist
Some other guy.
WHERE THE HELL IS RYAN GOSLING AND LEONARDO DICAPRIO? Especially Leo. He’s like the king of the world, you know. He mind-f*cked the hell outta me in Inception. He made me attempt to have sex in a car again ‘cuz of Titanic. I have since stopped ‘cuz I pulled a ligament in my knee. Seriously though, he’s the best actor our generation has right now and drags in the dough with every blockbuster he puts out. Even if Kim Kardashian earned $1 million for every day she was married, he’d still be worth more. And Ryan???? Have you seen Breaker High???? He is the epitomy of cool, classic, and way too hard to imitate. He’s the dude that other dudes secretly want to be. Even the ants on the street step to the side when this guy walks down the it.
I don’t really care about the Supporting Actor and Actress categories, but I would like to point out that both Melissa McCarthy and Kristin Wiig are nominated for Bridesmaids. They are comic geniuses so they won’t win, but they should. Do you know how hard it is to be funnY? The “that’s what she said” joke can only take you so far. They’ve got the gift.
That is all.
All praise Leo. Let’s take a moment right now to pray for him to win this f*cking statue one day and all other academy members to bow at his feet.
