Breaking Dawn movie review – Sex, birth & naked werewolves


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I wanted to write this review while Breaking Dawn was still fresh in my mind and my orange jumpsuit was still nicely pressed. I haven’t really ever done a movie review on the site before, but I strongly feel that this movie deserves one. I feel strongly about the Cullen’s as one would like to strongly feel up one. Strongly feel up? What? How would one do that without causing some form of bruising? I don’t get it either but it beat out writing this whole thing with the caps lock key on to depict my emotions as deeply as I feel them. IT WOULD BE SLIGHTLY DISTRACTING AND KINDA LIKE SOMEONE WAS YELLING AT YOU THE WHOLE TIME. NO ONE LIKES THAT REALLY. IT’S KINDA ON THE RUDE SIDE AND I DON’T WANT TO COME ACROSS THAT WAY. OK, SO LET’S START WITH THE SEX SCENE.

CRAP, OK I’LL STOP. There. You got my point though.

Anyone else feel neglected? I have that overwhelming feeling of let down, like when the bus drives right by you when you’re already late for school, someone only left dribbles of orange juice when you go to make your breakfast, or when you wake up in the morning to a new acquaintance that was a spitting image of Taylor Lautner the night before but now only resembles the dude from Napolean Dynamite. I wanted to see some vampire thrusting and Robert Pattinson ass crack! Rob has already spoken up about the lack of hanky panky in this movie and how both he and Kristen Stewart opted for a racier version. Damn teens. Why do you have to ruin it for everyone with your innocence and youth? Gawd. This makes me go all angry birds minus the pigs.

But it got better…..

It took less than 60 seconds from the opening credits to when Taylor Lautner became the topless Jacob Black we all accidentily call our boyfriends. Thank you for that, Breaking Dawn. We’ve had 3 freaking movies of foreplay, so there is NO NEED for delays in clothing removal. They had me fooled by having the honeymoon so quickly into the movie as well, but see above for that let down. Sorry to bring it up again but I have issues letting go.

The birth scene was the f**king sh*t. Stars mean awesome. The director should be showered in kisses and shone down on by the heavens. It was exactly what it should have been and leaves the other movies in the dust. He is what should have been around for the last 3 years, but there is no need to dwell on the past. Bella looked dead. The special effects and digital makeup of her transition were spot on. Oh, and they used a real baby and they kept it covered with blood!! Don’t you hate it whenever a baby is supposedly squeezed out a dialated cervix and it’s squeaky clean? Me too.

The other Cullen’s had lines!!! Alice was left in the cold a little bit, but she had New Moon to shine. Jasper and Emmett spoke. So did Esme!!! I thought she was just a cardboard cutout during Twilight.

Last of all, the imprinting of Renesmee and Jacob wasn’t creepy. My skin didn’t crawl and my libido didn’t diminish even slightly. That’s good movie-making people. Who wants to go with me to see it for the second, third and fourth times? Anyone?

Twilight Breaking Dawn movie review

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